If at first you don't succeed... - post 29

Well…..it’s been a while, huh? It’s amazing how life keeps moving even when you think it should stand still, so you can have a minute to breathe. We found out that we were not pregnant on February 22, 2010 and that evening we had company come in for a pastor’s conference at our church. Of course, we didn’t have to house them if we didn’t feel up to it, but I knew that it would be the best thing for my emotions to not sit and dwell on the negative. For everyone thinking, “You have to give yourself time to grieve”….I did and I still am. We lost our baby, so sometimes I feel like I go through every emotion in one day or even one thought process! However, it makes life so much easier when you realize that God is a GOOD god and He is not the reason that this baby didn't live. It wasn't His plan and never will be His plan to cause us harm or grief. Anyway, we enjoyed our visitors so much, and I was so excited to be able to attend the conference too. It was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. To God, I am the most important thing on His mind and with every emotion I feel, He is right there with me. I am glad for the way that I was able to step away from myself and see that my circumstances are not the end of the world! After the conference ended, I packed for McKenzie and me, to go to my mom and dad’s house for the week. They just found out that they are selling their house (it took just over a year) and needed help packing up 22 years worth of memories. I will admit, it was bitter-sweet because that was where I grew up. It was really fun to watch my daughter running around and climbing the same trees that I did when I was a little girl, but it’s all worth it because they are moving closer to us (maybe even in our neighborhood). McKenzie is so blessed to have both sets of grandparents close by…she won’t be spoiled at all (sarcastic tone)! I came home for a couple of days and then went back to get the second load of things before they closed on their house on Friday, March 12. Today is pretty much the first day that I have had to sit back and reflect on everything that happened, so here goes…

On Monday morning (Feb.22), we loaded up into Jake and Rachel’s SUV and went by to pick up Kari. We all talked and laughed on the way to the clinic. I guess I was a little nervous, because even though we were running late for our appointment we had to stop so I could use the restroom :) (sorry if that was TMI). We got back on the road and surprisingly made it on time to the clinic. It must have looked so funny to see all of us pile out of the car and use the front door as a photo opportunity, but if you know me at all, you know that I am a picture taking fool. Even though we knew it would only be a blood draw appointment (which would only take about 10 minutes at the clinic and wouldn’t even tell us the result right away) we all wanted to go. Kari seemed very nervous while we waited and I must admit, every time the nurse opened the door to call someone back, my stomach dropped. Finally, it was our turn. All of the nurses were so sweet and told us how excited they were for us, they drew her blood and that was it…We were getting ready to leave and Kari and I had been discussing if we were going to take one of the at-home pregnancy tests. Secretly, we decided to pee on the stick before we left the office. We waited and waited only to see that the stick read “NOT PREGNANT.” The two of us were somewhat silent as we gathered our crew and got back in the car. Even though we didn’t know the final outcome and we wanted so badly to hang on to the hope that the pee test was wrong, we spoke our sentiments over text messages in the car ride. It was too difficult to speak out loud in the car. It felt like a moment meant just for Kari and me. Our tone was somewhat comical though, considering the circumstance.

We drove around the area trying to waste time and finally decided to stop and eat an early lunch. We finished and started to head back home and then the phone rang…

The nurse on the other end asked me how I was doing and I said “good?” thinking that it was some sort of signal that everything turned out ok. She put the doctor on and all he said was, “I’m sorry, it’s not good news.” I was silent. I couldn’t speak. The car was silent and I couldn’t hold it back any longer. The tears started falling and the doctor asked if I had any questions and all I could think was OF COURSE I DO, BUT THIS LUMP IN MY THROAT WON’T LET ME ASK! I was sort of angry at this, but I know it was just my emotions getting the best of me. It stinks to be told “NO” about anything. I felt bad for our friends that had to endure the sound of sniffling as we drove the last leg of our trip, but thankful for the support they gave us. Even though you try to prepare yourself for the “what if,” you are never fully prepared.

I do have to say that I am very proud of myself. The night before our appointment I was lying in bed next to Paul crying to him about how I didn’t want to be devastated if we found out that it didn’t work. I can truly say that I was very sad (a little angry, somewhat hopeless-feeling), but not devastated! It is NOT the end! Thanks to encouraging family and friends that continually reminded me of the promises of God and the hope in Him, I am ready to start again! Wahoo!
Kari says, let’s get this show on the road! I love that girl! I only hope that everyone can find a friend like her in their lifetime. I am ready to get the show on the road too, but I never did call the doctor back with my questions. Like I said before, it has been a VERY busy couple of weeks. I’m thinking on Monday, March 15 I should have a chance to call and speak with him. I know that we have to set up another consultation to address everything that went on and what changes we may make for the next time. Since we weren’t able to freeze any embryos we are going to have to start from scratch…meaning we will probably have to pay the entire IVF fee again ($10,556 just for the IVF, not including the medication or pretests). I am hoping for miraculous things and since we have already experienced a miracle in finances for the first time, there is no reason not to expect it this time too. Paul has always said that the money is the easy part!

I wish I had better news to share, but…..maybe next time. I’ll update everything when I talk to the doctor.